Van is increasingly disgruntled with his job as lap-dog for the unholy alliance of Suzy and Tracy Hong. He threatens to quit. Mr Hong, however, stops him by offering him a much more important position within the Hong family organization. This new ‘opportunity’ turns out to be as manager of a bargain basement shop called the Lucky Dollar Store.

Unfortunately for Van, his first day as manager turns into a disaster when, after doing stock inventory on a delivery of kids’ collector dueling cards called Fuji-ma Royal, he discovers a discrepancy between what left the Hong warehouse and what ended up at the Lucky Dollar Store.

Hey, given that models don’t actually eat anything – what do they hurl when they hurl? Cigarette smoke?Loretta

So Van goes to the courier company involved in transporting the cards from the warehouse to the store, to try and track down where these missing cards might be. The courier company is owned by the Doslic family, the staunch West Auckland family of Pascalle’s best friend, Draska. Mr Doslic, unfortunately, takes great umbrage at Van’s unwitting implication that they stole the cards.

Mr Hong, in turn, responds to the news of the theft by canceling his contract with the ‘dirty, thieving’ Doslic clan.

It transpires, therefore, that before Van can say ‘now hang on, that’s not what I meant’ he has inadvertently sparked a rapidly escalating war between the West Auckland Chinese community and the West Auckland Dalmation community. And the only way he can rectify the situation is by finding out who actually did take the missing cards. Van is on the case!

Meanwhile, Jethro also falls foul of the Hong family when finds that Trapman Stierson, has a new client. The Hong family; in the form of Tracy Hong. Now, the last time Tracy and Jethro spent any time together was when he slept with her whilst pretending to be Van. She has discovered this and has not forgiven him for it and demands an apology.

So he apologises. But is an insincere apology and she tells him as much and demands that he come up with something much better – if he wants to get in her good books (or her bed).

As Van goes about his investigations into the card theft, the Chinese/Dalmation feud spills over into the West family. Mrs Doslic cancels her offer to host one of Cheryl’s lingerie parties. Posters of Pascalle are defaced. Loretta gets spat at in the street. Eventually Mrs Doslic and Cheryl end up in a shopping bag fight in the supermarket car park.

The only ally Van has in this whole messed-up situation is Draska. She believes in Van and will do anything to help him. And if he wants to root her along the way, that’s just fine with her. Van declines her offer – he needs to concentrate on the matter at hand.

Meanwhile, Jethro’s attempts to ‘apologize’ to Tracy Hong are failing left right and centre. Loretta is not surprised at this, as she knows Jethro is incapable of a sincere apology. He thinks she’s talking bullshit. Or maybe not.

Whilst on duty, protecting the Hong warehouse from a possible Dalmation arson attack, Van uncovers the true identity of the thief.

Munter.

Van is gutted – how could Munter do this to him?

As it turns out, Van was the one who inadvertently gave Munter everything he needed to commit the crime (like the keys to the building, the security codes and so forth) and Munter has been selling the cards to various people around town, including Eric. In a way, Van realises, this is all his fault. Bugger.

Thus when Van finds out that (thanks to some advice Jethro gave Tracy whilst trying to get in sweet with her) the Hongs and the Doslics are going to sort this thing out in an ‘old school’ way, not involving the police, he freaks. With images of street fights in his head, he can’t have the blood of innocent people on his conscience. But neither can he dob in his best friend. He shares this dilemma with Draska, who worries about how torn up Van is about all this.

But Van has to do the right thing. He has to confess all, to make this right. He has to stop the bloodshed before it starts.

Only by the time he gets face to face with Mr Hong and Mr Doslic they are already very good mates and getting drunk together, getting on like a house on fire. It transpires that Draska has given them the name of the person who did it and they have sent their boys around to sort him out.

But the name Draska gave them turns out not to be Munter, but Eric (because no-one really likes him). So Eric gets beaten up as the sacrificial lamb, without ever understanding quite why he’s getting the shit kicked out of him by the West Auckland United Nations. And the war is over.

Jethro, meanwhile, confesses to Tracy that he can’t say sorry for sleeping with her under false pretences is that he’s not sorry. He loved every second of it – and he very much wants to do it again. In this way, Tracy and Jethro launch into their affair.

And so the West family and the Doslic family make peace. And when Van finds Draska waiting for him in his bedroom, they do a whole lot more than that.

It’s Cheryl birthday. She unwraps her birthday present from Van, Pascalle and Loretta. It is a large, ornate and extremely ugly cuckoo clock. Van, it transpires, was very stoned when the belated call came through to get Mum a birthday present.

Two things (apart from the ugly clock) threaten to spoil Cheryl’s day. First, her family is less than supportive about her new job – at an insurance company. Second, her car breaks on the way to work.

Women, mate, are from another planet.Eric

For Pascalle, however, the day gets off to a much better start when Xena, from Stratosphere Models, calls Pascalle in to try out as a model for Save The Animals From Cruelty. Animal charities are very Rachel Hunter, and Pascalle divines this job is her destiny.

At the cattle call, however, is Chantelle Lazenby – a girl Pascalle hasn’t seen since Irish dancing, when Chantelle was really, really fat. Now she is gorgeous and elfin and the competition standing in the way of Pascalle’s destiny.

At home, meanwhile, Grandpa uses Munter’s sympathy over the loss of Margaret to lure him into a game of poker. It is a game that will go on for several days, as Grandpa systematically fleeces Munter, Eric and Rochelle of their money; which makes Grandpa feel a lot better.

Cheryl’s birthday, meanwhile, is fast losing its edge when she discovers; (a) a dodgy claim – submitted by a friend, Kasey, to raise money for her planned naughty knicker business and (b) that the ugly clock present is, in fact, stolen property sold to Van by Eric.

That night, Pascalle’s first attempt to eliminate the threat of Chantelle – by persuading her to drop out of the running for the charity campaign – goes horribly astray when Chantelle feeds her an ecstasy pill, assuring Pascalle she wants her to get the job. They end up dancing on the bar together.

The next morning, Pascalle wakes up in Chantelle’s bed, to answer a ringing mobile. It’s Xena, changing Chantelle’s call time for the charity job photo shoot. Pascalle realises Chantelle knew she had the job all along.

Cheryl, meanwhile, finds another bogus claim – this time from a work mate, for her (often) stolen car. She approaches her boss, Penny, who palms her off with bland reassurances. Leaving for the day, Cheryl notices all the employees have expensive, late model cars. The smell of rat is strong in Cheryl’s nostrils.

At home, Pascalle is ignoring Loretta’s interest in what went on between her and Chantelle underneath the sheets, in favour of plotting her revenge. The opportunity arises when Chantelle rings to ‘apologise’. Vengeance shall be hers after she’s got Chantelle so pissed/stoned that she’s having her stomach pumped when she should be at her photo shoot.

With the poker game going on around her, Cheryl is ensnared in a battle of wills with Loretta over putting up the stolen cuckoo clock when Penny drops by the West house. They go back to Penny’s for a drink – and to lay their cards on the table. Cheryl reveals she’s aware of the scam they’ve got going – approving each others bogus claims. Penny admits this, but claims she’s only helping out women who’ve been hurt by men – victims of men, like Cheryl is. Moreover, she needs someone to take over as she moves up the corporate ladder, and who better than Cheryl West of the notorious West family?

In this way Cheryl discovers the only reason she got the job was because of who she used to be – and how that might be useful to Penny.

Pascalle’s plan to derail Chantelle seems to be working perfectly as her rival, drunk and stoned, ends up throwing up in the toilet, then passing out on the floor. Pascalle dances a jig over the body of her fallen Irish dancing foe – her destiny will be hers!

The next morning and the poker game continues. Cheryl’s mechanic, Falani, who has lost big, hands Cheryl an enormous bill for fixing her car. Great. All Cheryl needs.

At work, Cheryl gives Penny her answer – she wants no part of the scam. Penny responds by informing Cheryl that she will be transferred to the Pakuranga branch. Cheryl tries reasoning with her – she won’t say anything – but to no avail. So, very coolly, Cheryl leaves the office, steals Penny’s car, and gives it to Falani to pay off her debt.

Needless to say, Penny fires her.

Pascalle is sleeping in Chantelle’s bed when a cellphone rings. This time it is for Pascalle. It’s Chantelle – gloating from the charity photo shoot. Did Pascalle not remember she was dealing with Garbage Guts Lazenby – her of the indestructible constitution? She expected much better from Pascalle. To add salt to the wound, Chantelle lets Pascalle know she really enjoyed herself last night – if Pascalle gets her drift.

All that remains for Pascalle is a tiny tiny (but effective) act of revenge as she consigns all of Chantelle’s clothing (and her shoes) to a charity recycling bin. After all, it’s all about charity, isn’t it?

Finally, Grandpa has bankrupted the other players. They leave in disgust, just as Judd and Hickey pay a visit to the Wests, on a tip off about a stolen cuckoo clock. Judd isn’t really interested and Cheryl fobs him off before…

That night, when Penny arrives home she finds Cheryl waiting for her, with a message. If Penny ever sends the cops after her again, Cheryl will exact a terrible revenge. Message delivered, Cheryl goes, leaving Penny a present – a large, ornate, extremely ugly, cuckoo clock, hanging on Penny’s wall.

A big day approaches for the West clan. Well, for Cheryl and Jethro – and the rest of the family are going to join in whether they want to or not. It’s Jethro’s admission to the Bar, his final hurdle in becoming a fully-fledged lawyer.

Meanwhile, DS Judd is itching to send a letter to the Law Society opposing Jethro’s admittance to the bar – due to his criminal connections – i.e. his family. All he needs is an excuse.

If you prefer, I can take my clothes off and dance naked around the house.Grandpa

This ‘excuse’ may very well turn out to be Grandpa, who stuns the family by announcing that he and Margaret are moving to Tauranga to live together. Cheryl is delighted; until Loretta throws cold water on her party by telling her “Margaret” used to be “Mark” – Grandpa’s old cellmate from Mt Eden Prison – and is an escaped convict.

Cheryl may be able to rationalize her way out of that one – the police won’t be looking for a middle-aged woman, will they? – but she’d have kittens if she knew Grandpa and Margaret are planning one last job before heading to Tauranga; robbing the local bowls club.

Loretta is putting in a rare guest appearance at Shadbolt High, when she is tackled by a teacher, Mr Smail, who reminds her of the speech she’s due to make this weekend as part of her NCEA Stage 1 requirements. Not wanting to be bothered with such trivia, Loretta confronts Caroline, using the incriminating photos to demand she get Smail off her case.

This is about when Loretta’s carefully coordinated life of truancy and manipulation starts to unravel.

Her attempt to dissuade Grandpa from moving to Tauranga by invoking the memory of Rita, his ex-wife, leads only to threats and accusations from Margaret – Loretta is an evil bitch – just like her grandmother.

Jethro and Caroline, meanwhile, decide that enough is enough with the blackmail; time to call Loretta’s bluff. Which is bad for Loretta because she doesn’t have the photos any more; they went up in flames when Grandpa’s house burnt down.

Without this hanging over their heads Jethro and Caroline can be a real couple. Caroline celebrates; but Jethro seems less keen on that idea.

Loretta, meanwhile, is faced with the dreaded prospect of going back to school – she has nothing left to live for…

Except taking revenge on Margaret for stealing her Grandpa and sullying the memory of her beloved Grandma. This she does by sending anonymous package to Judd, tipping him off to the link between escaped prisoner “Mark” and “Margaret”.

Everything comes to a head on the night of Loretta’s speech – which is also the night of the bowls club robbery.

Cheryl discovers Jethro has a girlfriend – Caroline Darling, his old English teacher.

Grandpa and Margaret go about their nefarious business. The old team is back together and everything goes without a hitch.

Loretta gives her speech at the school hall. There’s an empty chair where Grandpa should be sitting – and in the course of her speech she puts it all together; where he is and what he’s doing. Speech over, Loretta is out of there in a hurry – stealing Smail’s car and heading off into the night.

Job done, with thousands of dollars in their hot hands, Grandpa and Margaret are splitting up – to meet again tomorrow, to head for Tauranga. He decides to walk home, walk off the adrenaline of the heist, leaving Margaret in the car with the money.

Which is when Loretta strikes; she delivers Margaret with her ultimatum: skip town and leave Grandpa alone, or risk being nabbed by the police and sent back to prison.

The next morning, Cheryl hears on the news about a professional safecracking job that took place last night at a Henderson bowling club. Cheryl questions Loretta – was Grandpa really in bed when she got home last night? Definitely, Loretta assures. Besides, Grandpa wouldn’t be capable. Grandpa shuffles in, vague and disorientated – has Margaret called? She promised to call.

So it is Jethro’s big day. Cheryl is as proud as punch as her number one son is admitted to the Bar. Judd doesn’t get to send his letter.

And Loretta has defeated Margaret and saved her Grandpa from the clutches of the trannie. But does she feel happy? No, she does not because Grandpa is a crushed man; a hollow shell of what he was with Margaret in his life.

Loretta tries to cheer him by reassuring him that she’ll always be there for him.

He shoots her an odd, piercing look. Sometimes she’s just like her grandmother.

Loretta has to admit that she’s been told that very thing.

Lonely and confused, Grandpa wanders into a yoga class; hugs the unsuspecting teacher lady and calls her ‘Rita’, as he lowers her to the floor. Grandpa is not in a good headspace these days.

Meanwhile it’s Cheryl and Wolf’s 20th wedding anniversary. It’s not a great one for Cheryl – he’s in prison; their marriage is on the skids and the only constant in her life is bills. For a second things look up, as she finds flowers on the doorstep…

‘Cause if he was [okay], he’d cut off your gonads and feed them to his pandas.Munter

But they’re for Pascalle, who is celebrating her first ever modeling job – a flyer for Super Discount Tyres in which she is draped over steel-belted radial, not wearing very much. Pascalle is impressed that there’s not name on the note attached to the flowers – just a time and a place to meet. Her first secret admirer – cool. Unfortunately, when the admirer turns out to be Constable Hickey, Pascalle’s anticipation turns more to a feeling of “ew yuk, no way!”

Over at the Hong House, Van is battling with conflicting emotions regarding Suzy Hong’s pregnancy. There is fear at what might happen if Mr Hong finds out. There is confusion as to why Suzy is so adamant the baby isn’t his, when there were all those times they were intimate.

There are also the tiny stirrings of something like responsibility; of paternity. He is the father, after all. So Van wants to know where he stands. Where he stands, as it turns out, is entirely irrelevant to everybody’s considerations.

Loretta has been assigned the duty of keeping Grandpa out of trouble but, distracted by the needs of servicing her illegal DVD clientele, she manages to lose him in about five minutes flat. He was seen trailing a woman customer out of the Video Hut.

When Loretta does track Grandpa down, he’s at the home of Margaret, happily sipping port. Margaret, it transpires, used to be Mark – Grandpa’s old partner-in-crime and cellmate from Mt Eden prison. Funny how much people can change in 20 years. Grandpa tells Loretta it’s probably best she doesn’t mention Margaret to anybody – after all, she’s still an escaped convict.

Constable Hickey’s infatuation with Pascalle, meanwhile, is evolving into something that looks a lot like stalking. The sitting outside her house and seeking a keepsake from her washing line (she gives him Van’s undies) are all good signs of stalking. But when she catches him putting the undies to use, sitting in his car outside her house, gazing at the discount tyres flyer, Pascalle decides enough is enough – it has to stop. So Pascalle shares her predicament with Van and Munter – can they warn him off for her? After some prodding, Van agrees to sort Hickey out.

Thankfully Cheryl manages to intervene before Van does anything stupid to a police officer but, in doing so, she starts a chain of events that cannot end up well for Pascalle. The official complaint to the police about Hickey’s behaviour leads to a visit from Judd and Cheryl learning that Hickey fell for her daughter while she was stripping in front of him.

Which, in turn, leads to Cheryl being at the Champagne Club in time to see Pascalle disrobing for a room of cheering men. Pascalle is so busted.

Things do not end well for the West family offspring this episode:

Van’s attempt to stand up for his rights as a father only ends up with him creating an alliance between Tracey and Suzy – and him being cast into the parental wilderness. To add insult to injury, he discovers Jethro (while pretending to be Van) rooted Tracey. To add injury to the insult to the injury, Tracey kicks Van out of her room when he tries to pick up where he (Jethro) left off.

Pascalle is forced by Cheryl to apologise to Hickey for leading him on; then to quit all employment at the Champagne Club.

And Loretta is having huge problems dealing with the thought that Grandpa shared more than just a cell when he was locked up with Mark/Margaret. His reassurances that it happens all the time when you lock men up together are, strangely, not very reassuring. Kurt’s suggestion that Loretta gets over her hang-up with sex and loosen up about Grandpa getting it on with a transvestite is even less helpful.

But Margaret and Grandpa are doing a lot more than ‘getting it on’. Their late night tryst is as much about looking over the plans to a building – the blueprints to a robbery – as it is about bonking. The old team is back in business!

Cheryl has sunk to an all time low. A ‘career’ in junk mail delivery finally breaks her spirit. Even her offspring are worried about her so, spurred on by Jethro’s example of how to be a loving son, they each resolve to do their bit to help out.

Of course, being Wests, this ‘help’ isn’t without an element of self-interest.

Take Pascalle, for instance. She’s still waitressing at The Champagne Club, which is not helping in her quest to be the next Rachel Hunter. Robby, the club owner, suggests that if Pascalle wants to be noticed (and earn more money to feed the family coffers) then she should consider becoming a stripper. It’s not a career path Pascalle has ever considered before, but the way Robby explains it, there are heaps of benefits – plus he’ll get her in the door of a modeling agency…

You know Asians have no mercy, right?Munter

Van, meanwhile, goes to Wolf to discuss the family’s concerns about Cheryl. Wolf is less than sympathetic – she made the bed, she can lie in it. Instead he’s very keen to set Van up with a dodgy job. Van is deeply un-thrilled by this in that involves Van working with Sparky, a speed-freak psycho nutter electrician/arsonist.

This at a time when, apart from the whole thing that Mr Hong will deep-fry his balls if he finds out Van is rooting his wife, things are going real well for Van. There’s even the possibility in the wind that he’ll get to root Tracy Hong – but only if he roots Mrs Hong, which Tracy doesn’t know he is already, but which he can’t tell her because of the whole deep-fried balls thing…

Loretta’s take on helping out Mum comes in the form of trying to generate income by selling bootleg pre-release DVD’s, bought from the Hongs, through the Video Hut. The main problem with this plan is that (a) Pete, the absentee hippy owner of the store is suddenly spending far too much time there and (b) he won’t actually give Loretta a job that will legitimize her presence there. Neither of these are insurmountable obstacles, as far as Loretta is concerned.

Van, meanwhile, tries to back out of the job with Sparky. Sparky, however, wants an offsider and isn’t taking no for an answer. To add to these woes, life at the Hongs suddenly gets very complicated for Van after an afternoon park-up with Mrs Hong leads to her putting her back out, then Van putting both her and Mr Hong’s car into the river. The deep-fried fate of Van’s balls seems inevitable.

At the Champagne Club, Pascalle embarks on her new career and meets Emma – her tutor in the art of stripping. She learns the moves, the seductive poses, and how stripping actually empowers women.

Van, by contrast, is distinctly disempowered. Tracy gleefully draws out details of the accident from him – positive her father will see through Van’s feeble cover story. As Van considers his fate, a terse Mr Hong rings, sending him to pick up a package. Next thing Sparky calls to say the job’s on now. Van is bummed out – it’s like he needs to be in two places at once. Impossible! Munter, in current possession of their one key to the brain factory, points out the obvious to Van…

Which is how Jethro ends up standing in Van’s room, dressed as Van.

Night has fallen, and all the West children are all up to no good. Loretta is hidden away in the Video Hut office, burning illegal DVDs. Van is with Sparky, preparing for the arson job. At the Champagne Club, it’s almost time for Pascalle’s first strip when…

Pascalle spies Judd and Hickey, in the audience, sitting with a group of off-duty cops on a stag night. All thoughts of empowerment go out the window and it takes a major motivational speech from Emma to convince Pascalle to pop her stripping cherry, as it were. And in the audience we get the feeling that one young Constable Hickey is way more entranced with Pascalle than will be good for either of them.

Meanwhile, Jethro (disguised as Van) picks up Mr Hong’s package from a group of moody-looking Chinese guys. He then, as ordered, drops the package back at the Hong house, where he runs into Tracy. She is well pleased with his ‘work’ (i.e. rooting Mrs Hong) and kisses him. Jethro decides to go with the flow; to see where this ends up – which, as it turns out, is in Tracy’s bed.

Sparky disappears off to do the job, leaving Van parked outside the Video Hut. The name rings bells, so he calls Jethro to check where Loretta works. Jethro, distracted by a naked Tracy Hong straddling him, tells Van to call Loretta. Van does, only to find out his little sister is working inside the shop Sparky is about to burn down.

Inside, Sparky is setting the fire when Loretta confronts him. When persuading Sparky not to go through with the arson falls on deaf ears, Loretta takes matters into her own hands and clunks Sparky on the head with a fire-extinguisher, then puts out the fire. Van bursts in, late, to discover his little sister has more than taken care of the situation.

And so Van arrives back at the Hong house, having survived his ordeal with Sparky. Jethro takes his leave, having survived his rather more enjoyable ordeal with Tracy. Van is none the wiser about what has happened, just as Tracy is none the wiser about which twin she just had sex with.

Mr Hong returns to the house, with Suzy following behind. He explains how disappointed he is that Van betrayed his trust: by writing off the car and injuring his beautiful wife. Tracy can’t believe it – her father has swallowed Van’s feeble cover-story! Mr Hong continues, adding that good news has come of this – and he opens the box to reveal a cake inside, iced with a stork. Suzy is pregnant. Which, in turn, leaves Tracy apoplectic and Van flummoxed. On one hand his balls are intact, on the other he’s just got his bosses’ wife up the duff.

Next morning, Loretta confronts Pete about the attempted arson job. Pete admits all – business is bad and he didn’t know what else to do. So Loretta makes him an offer he can’t refuse – she will be running the Video Hut from now on. So Pete slinks off back to his lifestyle block, leaving Loretta in charge.

The episode ends with a family lunch. With all of her children having contributed from their ill-gotten gains into the family coffers, Cheryl is really proud at her children for rising to the challenge she set them.

In her moment of familial pride, what Cheryl doesn’t notice is that none of them can quite look her in the eye.