The thing about living at the West house is that there are definitely times when it is best not to be there – especially when your father is on home detention and is slowly going round the twist. He clearly needs to find new and interesting ways to pass the time until they cut his ankle-bracelet off and he can get back to being a proper criminal.

This is because this week Dad went mental and decided to pass the time by declaring war on the Phat Hard Crew. The Phat Hard Crew – affectionately known by those who aren’t complete losers at the Phat Heads or the Try Hards – are dickhead boy-racer types with zero taste in music, cars and life, who thought it would be funny to add some artwork to the outside of our house.

Anyway, apparently, Dad got it in his head that this was all the dastardly work of DS Wayne Judd, our family nemesis – who was trying to get Dad to break parole. Clearly Dad has way too much on his hands and should think less and do more baking or something.

I say ‘apparently’ because I missed all the shit that went down (in which Dad almost did break his parole – except for something involving Eric’s foot getting a rock dropped on it – which would have been funny to see) because I wasn’t there.

Grandpa and I were off having our Disney movie moment trying to crack this bastard safe I found behind the heinous stag painting in Jethro’s new office (which used to be Corky, our lawyer’s office, before he went out of his head on P and started imagining he was being followed by black helicopters.)

The bummer of it was that the safe was empty, but it’s always good when family members do stuff together, right? Plus we left a fish in it so in about a day or two Jethro’s office is going to stink so bad – ha ha, serves him right for trusting us.

See what I mean about finding new and interesting ways to pass the time?

Still, Dad has managed to score a job now – with that Hayden Peters guys who is always at our house now, like he owns it or something – so maybe he’ll have something to occupy his time now and sanity (or something approaching sanity) can prevail at the West abode.