What goes on tour, stays on tour.

I mean, it’s not like Hayden and I ever sat down and swore to each other we’d be faithful. We have never ever looked each other in the eye and said ‘you’re the only one for me, baby’. Apart from the fact even just saying that would be nauseous beyond all belief, we’re just not that kind of people. So I’m sure while I was finding ways to pass the time while we were away camping, I’m also sure Hayden was doing exactly the same over in Australia (only hopefully not with his mother, which would have been very ‘ew’).

That’s the thing about Tutaekuri Bay – you have to find ways of passing the time. There’s nothing at Tutaekuri Bay except nature. No power, no Internet (except for in Ranger Graeme’s house – as I finally discover after all these years), no civilization. Shit, even the dunnies are worm-powered.

I’m not good with nature. I’m better than Jethro, who is, like, allergic to it, but I still don’t really get why people fall in love with it. It’s nature, it’s everywhere, you don’t need to worship it ‘cause it’s not like nature is going away, even if you do buy into all this global warming bullshit. Get over yourselves, people.

So generally I’ve been dealing with my attitude towards nature by tormenting either it (i.e. the dotterels of Tutaekuri Bay, the stupidest birds on the planet) or the defenders of it (i.e. Ranger Graeme).  But something has changed this year – either with me or nature – and that wasn’t so much fun at all. So, as it turned out, I had to find other ways of amusing myself. So I did. And I’m not sorry about it at all. In fact, in a way, it’s all Hayden’s fault, because he was the one who awoke these “feelings” in me, so why should he get bent out of shape about it if he finds out that I kind of acted on some of them?

Which he never will, by the way. Find out, I mean. Because if he does, I will track down the person who told him and destroy them. Are we clear on that?

So, anyway, apart from the Graeme thing, everything went pretty much as usual for us this Christmas. Apart from mad Aunty Jeanette being mad and Grandpa scoring a threesome with some retired lady cops (man, is he never going to live that one down) and Eric getting sex and Van getting repeatedly whacked in the nuts (actually stuff like that happens every year) and finding out that Mum had a kid before any of us…

Actually, that was seriously weird. Funny how you think you know everything about your family and stuff like that comes along. Who knew Mum – who is usually totally compulsive about speaking her mind and spilling whatever is inside it – could keep a secret that long.  She’s okay now, on about her third rum and Coke for the morning, all cuddled up with Judd – who turned up from prison and looks about 15 without his moustache. It’s almost sweet in a sick kind of way.

I have to go now – Ranger Graeme needs his computer back (and I need a bit more of Ranger Graeme – just to pass the time, you understand).

If anything worth talking about happens I’ll blog again – otherwise that’s it from me for a while.

Remember: if it feels good doing it, it’s probably worth doing.