Talk about shit hitting the fan.  Huge fan, big pile of shit.

Back when I was growing up, a West family party wasn’t a proper party if it didn’t end with someone getting taken in for questioning. I remember one party where the noise control guy had to be rescued from out of the grapefruit tree where he’d been trying to retrieve the stereo Van threw off the balcony. Then everyone surrounded the tree and threw beer cans (empty ones, of course, we’re not cruel or stupid) at him and someone may or may not have tried to set fire to the tree, but as Mum pointed out to the policemen, I was only nine and could not be held responsible for my actions.

Anyway, we had this party to celebrate Van getting engaged (again) – and because the house is empty so it wasn’t like much in the way of furniture was going to get smashed, like most of our other parties. It was an okay party, except for the bit where Kasey got really really trashed and decided it would be funny to bite Hayden on the arse. I was forced to put her back in her box and there was a bit of an ‘incident’.

But the next morning, I’m lying on bed, really hungover and Hayden is snoring, when the cops show up. And outside, apparently, was Wayne Judd with all this money in his hand that he swear was just sitting on the front seat of his car (yeah, right, how come that never happens to me?) and the next thing he’s getting arrested and charged with shitloads of bad shit. And the very next thing is Mum is going mental, blaming Dad for framing Judd.

Okay, I have to admit here that there is an element of payback to this – not just ‘cause of Judd and Mum hooking up, but ‘cause not so long ago it was Judd doing the dirty on Dad and framing him (albeit for a crime he actually did commit – but had got away with, which is the point of crime). What is going on with these guys? It’s like some kind of pissing contest – with Mum being the pissed off one in the middle.

So the state of play is that, apparently, Dad’s back inside – turned himself into the cops and spilled his guts about Judd. (So much for the Code of the Wests: “we never dob.”) And Judd is on remand in Mt. Eden awaiting a bail hearing. And Mum is a complete mess.

All this and we’re meant to be going camping for Christmas – will the fun never end?

(When I say “we’re” going camping, Hayden is being a big mummy’s boy and spending Christmas in Australia with his Mum. I have dealt with this rejection well – except for the bit where I told him I hoped a jellyfish stung him on his knob. Guess I’ll have to pass the time at Tutaekuri Bay in the time-honoured fashion – by tormenting Ranger Graeme, the DOC Fun Nazi. Same old, same old.)

On the up side I have found a leading lady for my film. My big sister – the one who put the ‘ho ho ho’ into Christmas.

My advice for Christmas is to kill a turkey and eat it before it kills and eats you.