I’ve just been to Australia. There was a thing Hayden needed to do over there – in Sydney – some business thing, I don’t particularly want to get into details. He was paying, I went along for the ride, end of story. He went off and did what he needed to do, I had a heap of time to do what I wanted to do. I like life that way.

Never been to Australia before. Bit of a funny place, far as I could make out. The moment they find out you’re from New Zealand the first thing they do is make jokes about sheep. Personally the last time I saw a sheep in anything approaching its entirety was when it was on a spit in our backyard with about ninety pissed people waiting to eat it, so I have no idea what they’re on about with all their ‘baa baa’ jokes.

Some other Australian people I met did this thing where they make fun of the New Zealand accent by saying ‘fush and chups’ over and over again like it’s this really funny thing to say and then laughing like demented kookaburras. All I’ll say on this matter is there’s this guy at this pub called the Roxbury in Glebe who won’t make that mistake again.

Actually it was kind of funny while I was over there because heaps of people were talking about how in a few years, ‘cause of global warming, that most of Australia is going to be uninhabitable for humans, apparently. And also for Australians.

That’s got to be pretty freaky if you live in Australia, because if you take into account all the animals that can kill you when you’re there now (and apparently people actually choose to live there these days, not because they’ve been deported there like in the past) that’s got to mean some pretty frikkin’ extreme shit is going to happen in the future.  Suddenly West Auckland seems almost like a safe and nurturing environment.

(Hayden hopes if global warming bad shit does happen that it happens to the Australian cricket team first, but who gives a wombat’s testicle about cricket, right?)

Mum wasn’t too thrilled about me going to Australia – especially when she only found out about it when I called her from the hotel room to say I wouldn’t be home for dinner for about a week. I don’t know what she’s got to complain about, seeing she’s busy playing ‘hide the truncheon’ with Wayne ‘Out On Bail’ Judd most nights, so she should be happy happy happy – not bitching at me.

I tried to explain to Mum that I needed to flee to Australia to escape all the happiness in the house because it was making me sick. Quite apart from Mum and Mr. Cop This doing the wild thing, Van and Aurora have been practicing for their wedding night – loudly – about five times a day. Meanwhile, Pascalle is doing totally the opposite and not having sex – but then verbally masturbating in my face by telling me for hours how she’s saving herself for Bruce even though she’s already given it up for heaps of guys.  This is actually worse.  This leads to the sensation of vomit rising up into the back of my throat.

But I’m back from Australia now. I wish I could have stayed there longer but we got kicked out of the country before we should have. Something to do with an unpaid bar tab in a seedy bar somewhere. I don’t know the details, I just remember being roughly shaken awake and told to get into a taxi to the airport ‘if I knew what was good for me’. And it was just when I was getting warmed up. Suckville.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if Australians would know a good time if a big brown fun snake crawled up their leg and bit them on the arse.

I have to go now – Mum is angry. Clearly she needs more sex from the Judd-Machine.