Is it like some twisted rule of the universe that where there is good news, that bad news must automatically follow?
We got Grandpa out of prison today – which is good news (except if you have to use the toilet after he’s been in there). But the bad news is that because his bail conditions are so strict, and he basically can’t leave the house without notifying several government departments, that bloody Ngaire is infesting our place, like the human incarnation of one of Grandpa’s nastiest farts.
I tried my best to break them up, I swear. I saw an opening and I went for it, for Grandpa’s own good; but no, the hold that evil banshee has over him is unholy and she was last seen dragged him off her crypt, to feast on his blood. The saddest, scariest thing is that he was going willingly.
I often look at Ngaire…
Actually, that’s a lie, I try not to look at Ngaire if I can help it because she gives me the creeps. But when I am forced to gaze upon her I tend to wonder which horror film she has escaped from, to come and torment us here in the real world.
George A Romero’s Night of the Living Dead (or any of the sequels) is an obvious starting point when studying Ngaire’s place in the horror world. She has the general all-round pallor, demeanor and craving for human flesh of a good zombie, but with elements of Bride of Frankenstein and the 1960 Hammer horror The Brides of Dracula thrown in for good measure. Yet there is also more than a passing resemblance to the creature from Alien (especially around the mouth) plus the same skin tones as Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. For some reason Re-Animator also springs to mind, mainly when I see her in profile – I don’t know why.
So really, when you think about it, Ngaire is really just whole movie genre rolled in to one streak of evil. And right now she is downstairs, consuming Grandpa’s soul and consigning him to hell, which I guess makes them both The People Under the Stairs.
Be afraid, be very afraid.
I know I’ll be locking my door from now on.