The universe takes away and the universe provides. That’s a simple enough concept, right? Unfortunately, as with many things in this universe, the taking and the giving can often be imbalanced and, therefore, extremely unfair.

For example, just recently, the universe took away the baby who would have grown up to be my little half-brother. It would have been great having an offspring younger than me in this family, because then my Mum would have a whole new life-form to obsess over and terrorize for many years to come, which would, in turn, have meant that she’d be too busy to hassle me as much as she currently does. This would have been brilliant, but – of course – the universe conspired to take Tama away.

And what did the universe give us in return?

Eric.

Thanks a bunch, universe.

You know the phrase “hanging round like a bad smell”? That pretty much describes Eric to a tee in that he is more than just a little bit pongy; and he is currently infesting our house, moaning about spending three years in Palmerston North – to which I say ‘if you hated Palmerston North so much, why did you stay there for three years? Why not move to Masterton or Tokoroa after a year, if Palmerston North offended you so? Was someone keeping you prisoner there, Eric?”

But no, apparently it’s all our fault Eric is a miserable old git with nowhere to live, which means every time I turn around there he is, moaning.

When I was a kid I set fire to his beard a few times – just for a laugh.

I’m not above going there again, is all I’m saying now.